welcome to the headquarters of the
CAR RESISTANCE ACTION PARTY (C.R.A.P)
Now in monochrome!
It's 2013 and we're still doing this CRAP.
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Greetings chosen one(s). Although you think you've found the (Car Resistance Action Party) CRAP, the CRAP has actually found you. The fact that you are reading these words means the CRAP has determined to cross fate with you; Decide to be delighted, it is the easier softer way. With the CRAP you can feel smarter, taste sweeter, smell stronger, hear louder and even see water. That's not all kids you, if you act now, you will also be able elevate your glutes to the all powerful pedestal we have dubbed "bicycle seat" with a pseudo-bizarre group of inter-galactic spiritual beings disguised in humanoid form (at least that's their cover story ).
So if you don't have a bike select one of the healthy alternatives for acquiring adequate bicycling purchasing power
1. "borrow" mommy's credit card that she "borrowed" from one of the guys that is not your dad, but gives her money for some reason... if she is hesitant to let you do this, let her know you will tell dad
2. Become the head of a large corporation and spend your time on "synergy", "sweating the assets", and "operations improvement". Make sure you get an extremely large signing bonus. Then "maximize shareholder value" by "restructuring" and "downsizing". And if the company begins experiencing "negative cash flow" then say you're "resigning for personal reasons" this will be a "win-win situation" especially for you. During your "orderly transition between career changes" you can spend the giant pile of money you made on bikes and bike gear, just go to your local bike shop and ask for one of everything, two of everything that's made of carbon fiber.
3. "Lease" your kids into the African interdementional glue-mining slave market. This will save thousands in child care costs and is tax deductible in some states of mind. Also you can maintain your social status by saying they are going off to "boarding school."
4. sell your soul to some sexy tall-bike riding demon in the night whose buttox is absolutely mesmerizing. Make sure to request cash from this character, he tends to be a little shady.
5. dig around in your backyard until you find the remains of some prehistoric creature. This will probably be worth a lot of money.
6. Build a time machine and take a lollypop back to the battle of Hastings (England 1066) and charge a lot of gold for it and bring it to the future and trade it in... Don't tell anyone you have a time machine, cuz then they'll want to ride it and you'll create a new kind of time war cuz everyone will want to make a bunch of money. Actually after you get the gold, you should probably destroy it with a stick of dynamite.
7. Break into your significant-others' place of residence and steal many of their valuables. Then sell those at the flea market. You probably know their where they hide their good stuff just as good as they do and if you live together, its even easier to do!
8. Sell your neighbor's dog that barks all night to the Korean restaurant down the street!
(to sum up) basically do whatever it takes to obtain cash for a bike. After you've done that, join us some Tuesday night in the not too distant future of a non-obscure parallel universe (hopefully, this one). We tell you that, not to boss you around, but as a premonition, as it is your unavoidable destiny.
(expressed in 4 noble trinities of divine intervention, which is part of our 10 point plan to achieve enlightenment in 30 days or less):
To restabalize any type of logical inconsistencies in this universe or and then re-unstabalize with our feelings.
To promote humanoid physical aesthetics through cycling. (especially those parts that are often covered by clothing). i.e. Cyclists Have Incredibly Nice Asses (CHINA).
Cyclists Have Incredibly Nice Asses = CHINA
CRAP is composed of cyclists
therefore CRAP = CHINA
QED (That means its true... go to friggin' college with your mom and study math if you don't know that...)
Other important facts regarding our mission:
-don't smoke kittens
-diarrhea is something to be experienced alone
-ghosts are not your friends even if they insist they are
-you might turn into a garden gnome in the near future and wish that you had tried the CRAP ride at least once.
To sum it al_)}}|=+??>?<<L>>?><>LP>><>>?--------_K_+++_+_+~~~~~~~~~~~~!##@21 (**IUJ N Gisdm9v2lkm a-=c09jv mnEWGFGFM DAV
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* CRAP ride no longer goes to the Orange Table. The OT is no longer open in the evening. Still 7:30 at Tempe Beach Park, though.
Fodder for the flyer:
-Hide out in the real world from Wednesday morning until Tuesday at 7:29pm
-Meet on the northwest corner of Mill and Rio Salado on Tuesday at 7:30pm
-Ride to dinner and craft beer, bring a big appetite for food and a bigger appetite for conversation
-All types of bikes and riders are encouraged to come.
-Alternative ride ideas, and routes are welcomed.
What to bring:
-imaginary significant others
-fore whores-men of the apocolypse
-pterodactyl droppings (see time machine alternative above)
-your brain (preferably protected by more than just your skull).
-thawed 100 year old kittens (this option is very retro)
Things to leave at home:
-anything that is on fire
-anything that is not on fire
-buckets of reptiles... its just not necessary
-your boss' boss' boss' boss' boss' boss' boss' boss' (the man)
-sin, cos, tan & PI buttons on your calculator